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20121201
20121231
Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)
somebody just made it up? anyway, this thursday is the new york premier of peter jackson's j.r.r. tolkien the hobbit part one, an unexpected journey, tokyo drift. (laughter) and this week we got all the big stars. sir ian mckellen, gandalf the grey. (cheers and applause) we got sir martin freeman, bilbo baggins. (cheers and applause) sir peter jackson who played a very convincing film director. and sir andy serkis who is either the man who played caesar in rise of the planet of the aprils or he is a superchimp who plays this man. (laughter) (applause) and we have got for your pleasure we've got an even bigger tolkien name lined up to host our hobbit week, me. (cheers and applause) as peter jackson himself said of me in entertainment weekly, quote, i have never met a bigger tolkien geek in my life. you hear that? you hear that girls from middle school? i'm not a geek. i'm king geek. (cheers and applause) you just, bud heee just handling there for another five years. you want a payoff? of course once it got out on the internet that i had visited the set of the hobbit new zealand last year i
workers are staying home with their kids and according to the "new york times" some retailers are taking advantage of this trend. >> barbie has a new accessory and it's a tool belt. the "new york times" reports mattel is introducing a construction set for barbie. >> stephen: folks a construction set is no place for barbie, those erector set workers are going to cat call her and ask her to back it up like a tonka truck. (laughter) which brings me to threat number one: foreman barbie. i'm sorry but i'm against this new megablocks construction set barbie. she can't operate heavy machinery. barbie's ankles aren't even load bearing. (laughter) besides, ken has more carpentry experience. remember, he lost his genitals in a table saw accident. and folks that's -- okay, i'll tell you why there's a mansession, barbie here is hogging all the jobs she's a doctor, an astronaut, a race car driver, a police officer, a flight attendant, a computer engineer, a firefighter, a dentist, a pail i don't know tolgsz and a fox news anchor. (cheers and applause) so barbie, leave these jobs for the fellas. you'r
,000 and a down payment on his new york city apartment after one mother demanded he complete every homework assignment, paper, and college ets essay fr 15-year-old son, and hopefully two grand for punching up the kid's mother's day card. the anonymous tudors ranged from a well-respected doctor to an ivy leaguer with a graduate degree in biology which just goes to show if you study hard and get into a good school, you can have a rewarding career studying hard and getting into a good school. ( laughter ). so it works. the kids get to go off to a good school, and the parents get something else. as one tudor observed, we have some mothers who feel like they've never wanted anything so bad in their lives, than getting their kid into harvard. it's bragging rights. yeah. you wouldn't believe the stunned reactions when you say, "your kid got into harvard," especially from your kid because he didn't even know he applied. ( laughter ). ( applause ) but will-- will your child succeed at the college someone else got him into? one student in the article flunked out after less than one year. that's why
to you, nation, we have been on "the new york times" best-seller list for eight years in a row. bam lam! but here's the thing. we peaked at number three. and every week since i'm trailing bill o reilly's best-sellers killing lincoln, killing kennedy, and let's say sodomizing coolidge. (laughter) now you know, anybody watches this show knows there is no bigger fan of bill o'reilly than bill himself. but-- i am a close second. nevertheless there are no friends on the best-seller list, as papa bear proved on the jon stewart show. >> so you got killing lincoln, killing kennedy, what is the next one? >> killing colbert. >> jon: oh, that's nice. no, i cannot advise, you have stepped over the line, sir! (laughter) >> okay, okay. no big deal. (laughter) all right, nation, [bleep] is on. it is time for you to defend america, if by america you mean me, and i usually do. tonight i am launching operation killing killing kennedy. i need everyone-- (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i need everyone within the sound of my voice to go buy my book and for the record this isn't me abusing our relationship
colbert for senate. role call, south carolina for stephen colbert. "new york post", are we ready for senator colbert? (cheers and applause) are we ready? well, i get it i get it i know when i look at the u.s. senate. i say to myself, you know what they could use, another white guy. (laughter) so i want you to take to the twitters, okay, take to the twitters. i want you to tweet@nikki-- ask nikki haley why she should appoint me to the u.s. is senate with the hashtag senator colbert. (cheers and applause) s that-- that feels right. now of course we all know jim demint leaves some big shoes to fill. then again-- (cheers and applause) but i'm not surprised that the people want me to have this honor. i've been honored in so many ways. in lego form, in ice cream, in space station treadmill, as a plush hockey mascot. which of course let me realize my dream of having drunk townies throw beer cans at me. but now the ultimate honor has come. being immortallized at madame tussaud's wax museum. they-- i know, i know, it's impressive. they have the world's biggest collection of glassy eyed fa
were on new york city last night for the 12-12-12 benefit show to help victims of superstorm sandy. paul mccartney, the rolling stones, eric clapton, bruce springsteen and billy joel were among all the rock 'n' roll heroes that came out to perform. >> stephen: but they were all just opening acts for rock legend stephen colbert! (cheers and applause) i was honored. folks, i got to say, i was honored to be there and to be just off stage where i filmed mick jagger shaking his sexy bag of bones. here we go. (cheers and applause) just me and mick. you know, folks, donations are still being accepted. you can help the victims of hurricane sandy with a $10 do facial by texting robin hood to 50555 which i believe is paul mccartney's cell phone. (laughter) now folks, you know me, you know i have had it up to here with this imperial presidency. the arrogance of getting re-elected by running on a platform that voters find appealing sickens mement and now, and now folks, get ready for this, lady michelle antoinette. has abused her power yet again. >> oh, the perks of being first lady michelle o
headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ, a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. this ends u
's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. bishop gene robinson is going to be here a all i know about religion is this: apparently he can only move diagonally. that's a chess move, baby. a bishop chess joke. let me just give you my lunch money now. let's begin tonight in the world of sport. i don't know if anybody here knows this. i happen to enjoy sport. i like watching other people talk about them. i like listening to people on the radio call in to talk about sports. you know what i do with that knowledge? i make can't-miss bets. you know what i do with my winnings? you think i do nice things with them for society? no. i spend all my gambling winnings on the first commercial i see after a game ends. hello, brooklyn lantern. looks like some people won't have to eat pasta again with a
Search Results 0 to 35 of about 36 (some duplicates have been removed)